Satire

Gov. Scott Walker Forces Faculty to Wear Bodycams

Madison, WI—There is a misconception in America about danger. Should those sworn to serve and protect wear bodycams? Or, should our eyes shift instead to the thousands of classrooms across the country wear professors extol their liberal propaganda on vulnerable young men and women? To further protect our society, Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin signed an executive order requiring all faculty to wear bodycams or face dismissal.

Dr. Chad Garrett teaches calculus while wearing a GoPro Hero.

Dr. Chad Garrett teaches algebra while wearing a GoPro Hero.

“It’s depressing,” said Dr. Chad Garrett. “I used to love teaching. I loved the University of Wisconsin. And, now? Now, I feel like George Orwell is running things.”

Wisconsin lawmakers disagree. “Who knows what these people are saying and doing in their classrooms on taxpayer money?” said, Representative Lawrence Stunek. “We need a record of what’s going on. We need to stand up for these kids. We need to insure their minds aren’t being warped by the liberal agenda.”

When asked about the liberal agenda, Dr. Garrett replied, “Math is math. It’s objective. There is no agenda. Unless you’re a statistician.”

Students in Wisconsin are divided. While many oppose the bodycams, a number of students supported the move by Governor Walker. “It’s like when the professor tells me that’s my opinion and not a fact. That’s wrong,” said, Trevor Williams. “And, now I can challenge her on it.”

"Maybe it’s time for faculty and staff to start thinking about teaching more classes and doing more work."

“Maybe it’s time for faculty and staff to start thinking about teaching more classes and doing more work.”

After dismantling tenure and shared governance and slashing the University’s budget, many faculty plan to leave. With the bodycams in place, the numbers are expected to increase. When asked why Creative Writing professor, Tanya Alameda, was leaving for a job at Pomona College, she said, “After spending five years working on my degree, writing a novel, and plotting tactics with our liberal overlords on the off-chance I actually landed a tenure-track job, I need to go somewhere that embraces scholarship, academic freedom, and has fewer cameras than a super-max prison. How else can I carry out academia’s socialist plot?”

“It’s a great time to be a Badger,” said Chancellor Rebecca Blank. “The claims by the media are out of proportion. Our campus has never been safer from professors and our football team is poised to win the Big Ten. Go Badgers!”

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