Satire

Ben Carson Believes Colosseum Pasta Strainer Used By Ancient Romans

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Photo credit: Amanda Gailey

Baltimore, MD—On the heels of admitting ancient Egyptians built pyramids to store grain, presidential hopeful, Ben Carson, drains water from the theory that ancient Romans built the Colosseum for gladiatorial contests.

“Everyone knows the Apostle John built the Colosseum to be a large pasta strainer,” said Carson. “Where is pasta made? Italy. Why build a building with so many holes? Obvious.”

Archeologist, Julia Radaverro, refutes Carson’s assertion. “The Flavian Amphitheatre was initially built by the Emperor Vespasian and finished by his successor, Titus. It was a cultural center for the public to gather.”

A structural engineer, Gus Molen, whom we consulted stated, “The stone and concrete of the Colosseum could withstand boiling water and approximately 10,000 tons of pressure from pappardelle. Fusilli is a different story. Fusilli would take the building down.”

easter-island-heads

By crawling to the top of the Moai, one can see holes for salt and pepper.

Asked about other ancient artifacts, Carson touched his index finger to the side of his nose and said, “Easter Island. It’s common knowledge those heads were used to store salt and pepper.”

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