Satire

Armed Bantha Rancher, Ammon Darklighter, Overtakes Skywalker Wildlife Refuge

Tatooine—Ammon Darklighter, a bantha rancher, took over a small group of buildings in Skywalker Wildlife Refuge earlier today. Upset by the prosecution of two fellow bantha ranchers for torching scrubland, Ammon Darklighter and his self-styled militia of humans have occupied the planet’s only wildlife refuge demanding the ranchers be set free.

The ranchers in question have distanced themselves from Darklighter. “It’s fine to protest the Republic. I get it. Just one thing. Hutts. Hutts don’t take so kindly to armed protests that disrupt business.”

Darklighter says his group isn’t going anywhere. “We will be here as long as it takes. We have no intentions of using force upon anyone, (but) if force is used against us, we would defend ourselves.”

Ammon Darklighter is the disgruntled son of the moisture farmer, Huff Cliven Darklighter, best known for spearheading an alien landowners tax. Though strictly anti-Imperial, the clan wants Tatooine to secede from the Republic as well.

“This is about taking the correct stand without harming anybody to restore the land and resources to the people so people across the planet can begin thriving again,” Ammon Darklighter said.

Jawas and Tuskens, natives of Tatooine, took to social media and ridiculed Darklighter’s claim.

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It’s uncertain how long the standoff will last as bureaucrats in Mos Eisley are far removed from the plight of bantha ranchers, and the milita forgot their snacks in their sandcrawler.

“At this point,” said Throgg, a former acquaintance of the Darklighters, “it’s more a standoff with stupidity.”

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